You’ve noticed signs that a family member has an addiction. You care deeply about them and you want them to heal while still respecting their autonomy and dignity. What do you do next?
This is a scenario so many people find themselves in. Watching someone they love battle with addiction, knowing they need help, but not sure how to get them there. You may feel scared about your family member’s reaction to a conversation about addiction treatment, that they may distance themselves from you. You may also worry that their denial will be so deep you’ll be convinced treatment isn’t necessary.
The truth is addiction doesn’t only affect the person using substances — the consequences permeate those closest, usually family and partners. Getting someone into addiction treatment isn’t just an act of love; it can strengthen relationship bonds, but it takes courage, on everyone’s part.
Choose the Right Moment to Talk
The context for when you bring the topic of treatment to a person really matters. No one likes to be caught off guard, especially for serious conversations, and if your family member is coming down, is tired, or has had a bad day, they won’t respond well.
Pick a setting that is quiet, without distractions. Somewhere familiar is best, as well as somewhere they feel safe, such as their home. Parallel conversations (where you’re side-by-side, not facing one another) can also feel less intense for some people; walking together in the park may be a good option.
Check in with them before launching into the chat. How are they today? Similarly, ask yourself: if you’re not feeling good, maybe now isn’t the moment.
Make sure there’s sufficient time to have a long talk. If they have plans, if someone could interrupt, or even if the park walk isn’t that long, consider another setting or time.
There will never be a “perfect” moment, but trust your instinct when it feels right to speak. You know yourself and your family member well enough.
Prepare for (and Be Patient with) Denial
One of the hardest elements of trying to get someone into addiction treatment is knowing how to navigate their denial that anything is wrong. Not everyone will be in denial, but it is very common, especially with “high-functioning” addiction, where people still go to work and fulfill their daily responsibilities.
Denial means your family member won’t respond to the proposition of seeking treatment because they don’t see a problem. Denial is not intentional lying, it’s a form of self-protection. Admitting the presence and extent of an addiction means confronting the wider impact: for example, damaged relationships and risk to health.
Denial is a form of avoidance, and for many people with addiction, it’s an automatic response to when they’re first presented with the idea of getting help.
Research also suggests denial can be a product of cognitive failure rather than emotion-driven rejection of the truth. Depending on the severity of the addiction, a person may genuinely not have the capacity to recognize their behaviors; even when presented with evidence, they can’t reach the conclusion there’s an issue [1].
The following tips can prevent the person from being overwhelmed in a way that they immediately retreat:
- Remind the person you care about them and that you’re worried/have noticed things
- Describe events and behaviors as facts and as neutral as possible, e.g. “Last Sunday, you weren’t able to get out of bed because you were too hungover.”
- Use “I” statements that prevent any sense of judgment being passed. e.g. “I feel worried”, “I’m losing sleep”
- Try not to yell, talk over the person, or to bombard the person with science and statistics
- Be patient when/if denial arises, calmly repeat examples you’ve given, and give the person time to digest the information
Suggest a Treatment Center and Plan
Your family member will likely need time after your conversation to reflect. You will probably have multiple more conversations. If they indicate they are open to treatment, it can feel less daunting for them if you have already done some research around next steps. This means extra work for you, but try to see it like finding the nearest hospital when someone has had an accident — it’s action to get someone essential, life-saving care.
Whatever you propose may not end up being the treatment your family member receives, but it shows them that there are options and they’re not alone. You could suggest a treatment center close to where they live or with a program that allows them to continue working. You could reassure them about the center’s success rate and ability to be discreet if your family member is worried about privacy.
Encourage your family member to ask questions. If they’re curious about an addiction center and plan, that’s a good sign.
Take Small Steps, Together
If your family member agrees to addiction treatment, it’s important to stay present with them. Support is invaluable in this moment and can be the bridge between where they are now and how they can move forward.
Be in the room when they make phone calls about treatment and when they verify their insurance. Go shopping with them to buy items for a residential program. Help them pack. If they’re attending an outpatient program, offer to drive them or to pick up their groceries while they’re out. Make them feel good about themselves. The path ahead is long, but just choosing to get help deserves praise.
At the same time, be aware that they may change their mind frequently, flip-flopping between going to treatment and not. Let them process, and don’t be afraid to bring in other family members to contribute and talk when you can’t. See yourselves as a team, caring for a teammate who has an injury. You can rotate turns looking after them, and you can also expect them to cover for you when you need a break.
Addiction Treatment at Trinity Wellness Group, Massachusetts
We understand that addiction can be scary, especially if you’re trying to manage someone else’s.
At our center in Milton, we offer tailored addiction care, run by a team of licensed specialists. Our full and half-day outpatient programs are suitable for anyone who is stable enough to live at home, but who still requires intense support.
We integrate evidence-based therapies in our programs, medication-assisted treatment (MAT), and a range of holistic activities. We take a trauma-informed approach, making sure that we treat addiction symptoms but also look at the driving forces and unprocessed trauma that often lie underneath addiction.
We’re empathetic and we work at a pace that suits you and your family’s needs. Start your collective healing today, speak with our admissions team.
Sources
[1] Rinn, W. 2002. Addiction Denial and Cognitive Dysfunction: A Preliminary Investigation. The Journal of Neuropsychiatry and Clinical Neurosciences.